‘Made in China’

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[Warning 1: This post is RATED X, visitors’ discretion is advised]

[Warning 2: This post is RATED X, yippee...all the more reason to read it]

My roomies are a recyclable lot. Never at a point in time do I have the same set of roomies. In fact, the only roomy in this room that appears to be a constant is me.

The minor advantage of having a renewable pool of roomies is that you keep coming across different characters, which I can make the target of my penning indulgence.

Because of this continuous current of renewal, recently two roomies were added to the merry lot of Namibaba’s forty-four roomies. And as is the tradition with the merry band, they were instantly granted their nick-names by Namibaba. These nick names are inspired from the most intriguing qualities of their personality, something that when one comes across in them, one learns to love to hate in due course of time.

One such roomy is Double-tits called so for his buns, which bear a striking resemblance to the more widely known physical trait double chin. To imagine a double tit all you have to do is to imagine a double chin’s close cousin interpreted in terms of chest muscles.

Another roomy is Slowmo called so because of his strange obsession of walking in slow motion in the aisles between the beds in Ship. Only God can be your savior when you are in a hurry and you happen to be trailing Slowmo in the aisles. No amount of pushing and shoving will motivate him to move faster. It appears that by delaying others in the narrow aisles, he is stocking up his invaluable ego reserves.

Another one of my roomies is ‘Made in China’ who apart from being a Chinese, is called so because his sad face lights up on the mention of ‘Made in China’, even if happens to be something as seemingly as inconsequential as a mineral bottle with the tag of ‘Made in China’ on it. It is another matter that in this post this otherwise inconsequential bottle, at best fulfilling the thirst need of the Chinese on bed no. 15, assumes a critical function of that of being a symbolic representative of a fundamental tool that plays an important tool in perpetuation of the human race.

What happens when you put these three roomies of distinct flavors on a small bed of 3 by 6 feet? This was quite close to the scenario when I noticed them interacting on bed no. 36 (Doubletit’s bed), and answering the above question in the context of organizational dynamics, it was rather close to ‘pandemonium’. Also, it’s interesting to note that from the point of view of organizational dynamics; the three member group on Doubletit’s bed was a one that consisted of 66.66% Indians and 33.33% Chinese and the Indian fraction seemed almost too aware of the fact that India has lost two wars with China incurring huge losses on both the occasions. And as far as the size of bottles is concerned, this faction is as unaware of the truth as were their forefathers who owned the responsibility of losing the wars. [I would hereby advise the reader to exercise patience about the mystery of the bottles. Rest assured, the mystery will be revealed in the coming passages.]

But before we get on with the dynamics involving the bottle, a little about ‘Made in China’ should be told first. ‘Made in China’ is a super-chikna character with feminine body language which automatically makes him vulnerable to strayed perceptions in a room overcrowded with men. Something I admire about him is that he is a self sufficient character who goes on scribbling in his notebook without ever taking a peek on the TV, as I go on typing on my lappy. He looks like a very young Buddha in the respect that he has a nerdy appeal and a liking for expanding his knowledge constantly. So, when I saw Made in China talking to the Indian faction consisting of Doubletits and Slowmo, the Little Buddha was talking about the three letter word that seems to be the very basis of life- Joy. From his talks it seemed that joy is not a result of anything, it’s rather a daily, independent decision that one takes first thing in the morning. It’s almost as if he wakes up in the morning and says, ‘Come hell or high water I am going to find joy today’. And rightly so, he seemed so focused on joy that it is what he seemed to derive even when the talk drifted to his very own Made in China bottle and the associated sentiments.

After having finished the talk about the religious hangouts that Made in China had been to, the Indian faction became too aware that they cannot let him go without some ridicule because he was joyful to an extent of being irritating. His joy came across as a sacrilege because supposedly only Indians are to be as joyful as him, given the extensive history of only-a-dhoti-clad sadhus spending their days in uncontained bliss even amidst a supremely materialistic environment. The Indian faction seemed to be offended by the spiritual joy that the Chinese seemed to exude. And hence it became extremely crucial to talk about the bottle of Made in China.

Made in China’s face lit up when Doubletits pointed to his mineral water bottle, which looked nothing like mineral bottles sold in India. It had twin characteristics that made it look unmistakably Chinese. Firstly, its shape seemed to be an offshoot of the architecture of the ancient Chinese monasteries that sported multiple roofs, roofs that seem to me synonymous to the spiritual planes that one is required to ascend when practicing Chinese spiritual arts. Secondly, the plastic of the bottle seemed to be a derivative of the Chinese made TT balls because it had the prominent opaqueness which contrasted starkly with the transparence associated to the ‘purity factor’ observed in preferred designs of Indian made mineral bottles.

So, when Doubletits pointed to Made in China’s mineral water bottle, which also appeared to be smaller than most of the bottles we come across in India, the Chinese was filled with joy because it was his chance to say proudly ‘Made in China’, as if it was enough to explain comprehensively the reason for the way the bottle looked. Not unpredictably, Doubletits had other plans in mind. He pointed to the bottle in Made in China’s hand and said, ‘Chinese bottle’ then he promptly pointed to the mineral bottle kept on the side table which happened to be a one liter mineral bottle and said, ‘Indian bottle.’ As the Chinese looked on with a confused, but joyful expression, Doubltit’s gesture was promptly followed up by Slowmo’s Andhra-accent laughter. The joyful Chinese still didn’t seem to get it. So, Doubletits pointed to Made in China’s penis and said, ‘Chinese bottle’ and made the gesture of ‘small’ by his fingers, and then he pointed to his own penis and said, ‘Indian bottle’, and made the gesture of big with his hands. The Chinese seemed a little taken aback by the sudden aggression; something like India was when China had attacked without much warning in 1972. It seemed to be the golden revenge of Doubletits for the Chinese aggression of 1972.

Although I wanted to congratulate Doubltits on his micro coup which did not make any difference to the Chinese rate of economic development or the rapid rate of modernization of its defense forces, I merely reflected on what’s the size of the bottle got to do with anything? I mean, let’s even assume for a moment that the size of bottles of our ancestors compared to that of the Chinese’s ancestors was something to be proud of (although there are no Olympics for ‘size of bottle’ and even if there was, China would have promptly gone on to bag the organizational rights and would have made billions out of it), how instrumental was it in influencing the outcome of our wars with China or receiving more FDI than China? History seems to be hinting that we might just have lost the wars in the overconfidence of the bottle-size when it was not uncommon to hear stuff like, ‘Hamare gama pahelwan, dus dus Chinky ko pataki de denge.’ I think, in those days the comparative size of the bottle was pulling the strings somewhere in the back of the mind.

I fail to understand, why there is so much claim going around about whose bottle is bigger. Moreover historically also, wars have never been fought by bottles. They have been fought with swords. And the size of the bottle has never affected the outcome of wars, even more so since ‘technology’ and ‘technique’ came into being and I am talking both in the context of war and love respectively. Yes, even if we consider love for that matter, a whole lot of research seems to point out that the bottle’s size is not as crucial as the technique employed to use the bottle for the purpose love-making and to be more precise, of satisfy a female companion.

And even if it is a world that is run by the size of the bottles, no one can ignore the way the Chinese race has improved its physical condition and health. I am sure the smart use of the bottle to curtail the birth rate has a lot to do with it. When compared to the smartness of the Chinese bottle, the size of the Indian bottle, if at all still in the lead, after the drastic improvement in health and fitness standards that China has seen post economic liberalisation, the presumed marginal lead of the Indian bottle in comparison seems to be blown away (no pun intended).

And as far as characters like Doubletits and Slowmo are concerned, who know nothing of the Chinese revolution (which stretches way beyond bottling), I would imagine only two hypothetical scenarios to dispel their doubt about the much publicized comparative study of the bottles.

Scenario 1: As for Slowmo I hope the Chinese Olympic gold-medalist for the 110m hurdles- Liu Xiang doesn’t decide to trail him in one of the aisles between the beds, I am sure the gold-medalist will empty Slowmo’s ego reserves in a hurry, by simply hopping over all the beds in all of less than 13 secs.

Scenario 2: And as far as the national hero Doubletits goes, I hope he does not come across the fabled bottle of Yao Ming of the National Basketball League of the US one of these days because if Yao Ming decides to empty his bottle on Doubletits (pun intended), it’s going to be one hell of a slam-dunk (pun intended).

Baba says:

‘It is not a coincidence that the Chinese are good at both miniaturization and expansiveness. The former is what they have treasured for years anatomically, the latter what they have always dreamed of achieving.’- Namibaba of the forty-four roomies fame